In an intimate or romantic encounter, talking or expressing desire creates some of the sexiest moments. If you can find someone who values pleasure, mutuality, and emotional connection in ways that you do—even if it’s only a one-time thing—then you’re on your way to creating more ideal encounters. Someone who does not pay attention to what you want, or disregards your feelings, is unlikely to be an ideal partner. And when someone says or shows that they’re not up for it (this time or ever), they too are taking care of their own needs and wishes, and we get to respond in ways that honour their choice. Here are some examples of how to communicate in the moment to help ensure your and your partner’s needs and desires are being met so everyone has a good time.
Less that, more this
I need to postpone sexy time
I’m glad you feel able to change your mind
That’s not my thing—but you are
How good is it for you if I…?
No problem—I’m relieved you can say it
We’ll hold off—thanks for taking care of yourself
Would you like to…?
If it doesn’t feel right, say something
Let’s talk about what you’re into
That’s not for me—how about [this]?
What’s the hottest thing you’ve ever tried?
How can I make this even better for you?
Firmer touch? Just right? Gentler?
Sexy snuggles or sleepy snuggles?
Still good with this? Keep going?
“More like this?” “Yes, like that!”
You don’t seem super-keen, so I’ll take that as a no
What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl’s Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety: Jaclyn Friedman
Seal Press, 2011
Melanie Boyd, PhD, Assistant Dean in Student Affairs; Lecturer in Women’s, Gender, and Sexuality Studies, Yale University, Connecticut.
Jaclyn Friedman, Author, What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl’s Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety (Seal Press, 2011).
Twanna A. Hines, Sexuality Writer, https://funkybrownchick.com/.
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